Silences make the real conversations between friends… Monday, Mar 31 2008

… not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts.
I always talk about my feelings in this blog. I talk about when I’m sad and angry at things… right now even though I’m feeling a little sad and a little angry, I’m going to talk about one of the most important persons in my life.

This blog I’ll dedicate to my best and only TRUE friend.

I met her a long time ago…before I realized how hard this life is. I met her when I was still drowning in the sea of innocence when everything seemed to be perfect and easy. When Barbie was first in my priority list and candy second. When a kiss was disgusting and cartoons topped movies.

Now, I realize how hard things really are and how much you just need someone to be there in some random moments of your life.

I’m writing this because today I realized that it doesn’t matter how much your family supports you or how much your boyfriend loves you, you still need a friend. A friend will be there when they feel that you need them regardless of anything and everything. A friend can sense when something is not quite right and when you need them- even if its to just talk at 6 in the morning because you can’t sleep. A friend is who is there for you when they’d rather be somewhere else. A real friend is there for you more than anyone in this world.

Today I realize something that I knew deep in my heart but for some reason I took for granted; I have the best friend in the world. Even though we fight over random stupid things, we have been there for each other and have witnessed all the bad things that each one of us has gone through.

I’m crying while writing this because I know that she is the only one in this world… THE ONLY ONE that would do anything for me. She would stop doing whatever she is doing without thinking twice to listen to me. Right now she is on her way to my house because I can’t sleep- while my boyfriend wouldn’t even stay with me on the phone because he is tired- while my sister is hanging out with her friends- while everyone is giving me the annoyed tone. She got home from work at 4am after working 16 hours and is still driving over here for me. That means a lot to me.

So I dedicate this blog and all the good moments in my life to this girl. This girl who is my shadow, my shoulder, my support. This girl who prioritizes me over most things. This person who I sometimes treat badly for no reason and still she is there. This person who still smiles at me even though I don’t talk to her because I’m on the phone with my boyfriend. A boyfriend who is not able to do one simple thing like staying up for me… and she would drive. After everything she would drive.

Even though it seems like I’m throwing this in his face- it’s not what I mean. I do feel a little disappointed in him, but I understand that he works hard and needs to sleep- after all I always complain about him not sleeping. My best friend on the other hand works really hard as well and doesn’t care what she has to do to be there for me- and that’s my point. I love the fact that I don’t have to ask her for things and she would do them for me. From her heart and without thinking twice.

I always complain about Michael having his priorities all mixed up… but mines are too. She is the only one that is ALWAYS there for me and I still put others above her- others that may not deserve it as much as her.

This blog might seem unfair to some people but is not meant to be. It’s just that in moments like this one you realize certain things. You realize that the smallest things (like being up at 6 in the morning for your friend), can mean the most- and they can open a box of hidden emotions.

Status: Happy…

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Do not take life too seriously… Friday, Mar 28 2008

…you will never get out of it alive.
Lately I have been thinking about the things that I want in my life: My goals and ambitions.

A couple of months ago, before New Years… nonono… before January 8th (the day I met Michael), I felt like Angelina Jolie at some point in the movie ‘Life or Something like It”; I felt complete and according to me I had everything already figured out.I was attending a great college, had decent grades, had good friends- and still have. Always out having fun, single- but with a zillion guys trying to get with me… everything was fine. I wanted to go to law school and live somewhere in New York- Preferably the city, and have a great job. Go clubbing on weekends with my best friends, have my little sister live with me and go to college in New York. Have a sex and the city relationship with my girls and NEVER marry; just a couple of fuck buddies and that’s it. Before January 8th, a guy was just like a piece of tissue; you use it, and then you throw it out when it is no longer good.

I look back to December and I remember being in my bed thinking about all these things and smiling. Life seemed complete. I didn’t want anything more than to be happy and that was happiness to me. I mean what more could I ask for.
Then he came to my life…

Sometimes I tell him the ways in which he has changed my life, but I don’t think that he understands what I mean by that. Every single thing that I had planned in my life is not going to happen, and it’s completely fine with me.
In a way there are things that I wished that I could have experienced, but there is absolutely NOTHING in this world that I would want more, there would be no greater experience, than to spend the rest of my life with this man. I know he is the ONE. He is the one because he came to my life in the strangest way and when I least expected it. This has to be a sign. I believe it!

He created new dreams in me. I have beautiful dreams and he is the only one that can make them all come true. He is the one that puts a smile on my face and makes my heart beat fast just by hearing his voice.

Today he said something to me that put the biggest smile in my face. I thought it was the sweetest thing and it even gave me butterflies. I called him from my job and apparently I got distracted talking to one of my co-workers and he listened to part of the conversation. After I realized that he was there, he said “My GOD! I love you”. After that he said… “I could just look at you forever having a regular conversation with anyone”… I felt so good. I felt so loved. It’s amazing what a sentence can do to a person. Guys always say that girls are complicated and that nothing makes them happy. It takes a very small amount of words to makes us happy for the whole day- at least for me. What he said made my day… nono- MY WEEK!

Things like that make me realize that it doesn’t matter what happen in the future I would never regret anything. The way he makes me feel everyday makes up for ANYTHING that one day I would regret not have done- supposing I do regret something. There is nothing to regret anyways. My life was an empty bubble with no happiness.

I’ll always love him…

Status: Wow… loving life…

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Action expresses PRIORITIES! Monday, Mar 24 2008

Ok so uhh.. I’m tired/frustrated/PISSED OFF/horny/hungry/crying… having the best day of my entire life… (sarcasm)

Ok… First of all I have a test tomorrow… WILL fail it!

Second… I come home from work and wanted to release some sexual frustrations and uhh didn’t happen….

OK so guys- I don’t mind that you ejaculate fast, but if you do please SHOW SOME FUCKING SENSITIVITY…

A happy “I’M SORRY- I FEEL BAD” (which is bullshit cause u just had a fucking orgasm!)… is not going to do it.

Yeap.. it happened to me. It’s the most fucking annoying thing in the world. What bothers me is that I said that I was going to finish it on my own and he has the AUDACITY TO ASK ME … “do you need help?”… uhh let me think “YESSSSSS!”. Of course I said NO because I hate rhetorical questions.

I’m not asking for a fake performance, because first of all I can tell if you fake it, and I HATE IT. Please show some sensitivity… I don’t know.. find a way.

I’m the kind of girl who genuinely finds satisfaction in seeing her man satisfied… as long as he recognizes that I have fucking feelings and that they matter.

Anyhow- whatever! Tough luck I guess…

Okay.. so I got over that. After that he tells me that he has to do something and he has to go. That’s not the problem… the problem is that before we had sex he said he wasn’t going to do it. Afterwards… he changed his mind. How do I feel? Fucking USED!

I don’t give a damn what the circumstances are; keep your word… but whatever. Michael doesn’t have a word… he really doesn’t. With him I have to learn to take chances… either it happens or it doesn’t. I never feel certain about anything he says he is going to do.. and I hate it. I think that’s the best quality in a man; having some character and sticking to their decisions. Michael is not that man. He says something now probably to satisfy you… then he changes his mind to satisfy someone else. This is when the priority list comes into play… apparently I’m last. I cannot think of ONE TIME that Michael told me he was going to do something and did it. Not once. He always does half of the things he says he will do… never keeps his word to the full extent.

It’s okay. Sometimes you get used to things and they become numbing. I have learned to live with that and I tolerate it because I love him. He has a weak character… VERY WEAK… and I hate it. He is the kind of guy everyone can do whatever they want with him. I hate that… he failed that test. 

End of that one…

To top it off… he compared me to his ex. I find nothing more disrespectful then telling your girlfriend that she is just like your ex. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

It hurted me so much… and this is not the first time he has done it either. 

What bothers me the most about all this is that I’m beginning to understand the reasons his ex had to break up with him. I was so wrong. I’m living it now too. The first time I have felt like this relationship is not really going to work- too many factors against us. I hate this feeling because I love him… I really do.

I stoped to think why we argue so much lately. We are past the “honeymoon phase”, where everything is perfect. I’m getting to know his priorities and they don’t meet mine. He doesn’t give me what I give him and it’s my fault. It’s my fault because I allowed myself to give him everything… and he clearly doesn’t have me as number one in his importance list. Like I told him one time… I’m the first one in his heart… but the last one to worry about. 

… And I give up. I’m going to go with the flow… and the flow is going in a bad direction.

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Never let the hand you hold… Sunday, Mar 23 2008

 … hold you down.

So I was watching a movie with this kid- I call him this way because that’s what he acts like.

So first I tried to build a mood and, stupid me I guess, I tried to do that right before he was getting ready to eat something. He basically “rejected me”. Not really literally, but I call it rejection. It felt that way.

After that I get in a little sad/mad/FUCK YOU! Mode and since I wasn’t really doing anything, I started to get a little day- dreamy and sleepy on the phone. Apparently this really bothered him somehow because all of a sudden he cared about me being “so tired” and he told me to go to sleep. Usually he would want to stay on the phone with me but today is not the fucking case. So, since I got the hint… I acted fine with it.

So I ask myself… WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE WANT FROM ME?

I mean… I’m the one who should be acting all bitchy because I felt rejected two fucking nights in a row, but he decides to be a little fucking kid about it. I’m the one who would need emotional support since I’m fucking PMS-ing. 

Normally I would care enough about him to call him back, but I’m getting the really bad “FUCK IT!” syndrome. I don’t think he really wants that, because if I keep feeling shitty because of his stupid immature ass, I will end up not letting him affect me at all… and that’s EXACTLY! what our relationship needs right now. (being sarcastic by the way)

I guess this is what he really wants. He wants me to be the one who kisses his ass and calls him. Well too bad, cause I really don’t give a fuck anymore and I can fucking survive without talking to him. I was fucking born alone. I don’t care how much I love him… I love me too, and I will not let him do whatever the fuck he wants with me. Not happening. So basically… FUCK YOURSELF MICHAEL

You men need to chill seriously. You always talking about how we are so complicated and how we don’t know what we want. At least we deal with our problems in an adult way. IF we do something that you guys don’t like, you guys love to write it off as a FUCKING character flaw, istead of dealing with the possibility that it has something to do with YOU! I agree with Sally on that one…

This post might have some kind of feminist tone to it- but I don’t mean it that way. Everyone is different- I’ll give you guys that respect.

For those of you who have girlfriends- be careful. We care a lot about what you guys think and how you guys feel. We love you and we want you to be happy. If you take advantage of our good nature and our love for you- and we notice it… its over! We will stop taking all your bitch fits seriously…

status: umm.. undecided

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Jealousy is nothing more… Tuesday, Mar 18 2008

 … than a fear of abandonment.

______

I have a long time that I don’t write on my blog and I apologize to my readers for that. I just took some time off from everything and I had a lot of time for myself and my family. I have a couple of things that I want to touch on. So many things have happened in these past couple of weeks, that I doubt that I will touch on everything.

First of all Michael’s ex does not leave me alone and in a way I like it. I know- I’m sick! Lol – but she makes me feel so great. Every time I talk to her I learn something new about her personality. God! She is so lame. I really find it hard to believe that Michael was ever in love with her. Maybe is the fact that she hates me that makes her seem bitchy and stupid, but seriously, I can’t see Michael in love with her. I can’t.

Every conversation we have is filled with sarcasm from my part and threats from hers. In a way we have these childish conversations that are seriously not my style. Seriously I’m surprised that she even bothers with that stuff considering her age (She comes to me by the way). She should be a little more mature than that. I’m not going to bother to tell you guys in detail what we talk about but I know you guys have an idea. I’m the girlfriend and she is the jealous ex that cannot understand that is over and that he loves me now.

On another note…

Michale Michael Michael – Love him- but I’m disliking some things he does sometimes.

Again- you guys know about his job and how much it annoys me that he works so many hours. Today his body crashed and he slept many hours and he still has the AUDACITY to ask himself why did that happen… uhh I don’t know- MAYBE CAUSE YOU FUCKING SLEEP 4 TO 5 HOURS A DAY!!!!!!

That’s the end of that because if I keep going I’ll explode. Arrrggh! HATE ITTTT!

Another thing is when I get mad at him something and he just acts like I’m making a big deal about everything. He tries to make me feel like I’m acting stupid about certain things. I mean girls- you guys understand me. Don’t you hate when you trying to tell your man something that is somewhat important to you and he feels the need to share his attention with something that can wait. GOD I hate ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

Pisses me off when he does that. While I’m talking to him he is on his computer “reading something”. Fuck! What I hate about all that is that most of the time is something that has to do with technology. Always checking something new that came out or whatever. ARRRGH!

I’m on the phone with him now.. he still sleepy. AWW- I love him so much. He just pisses me off. He is so tired… his body is screaming “MICHAEL STOP DOING THIS TO MEEEE!”

End of that too!- I feel the blood filling my face… I feel the anger getting stronger.

Ohh! I almost forgot to mention that there is this girl . Her name is Diana. I don’t know much about her, and I already hate her. She has been a friend to him for X amount of years and she thinks she knows everything. She talks to him about how his ex is right in certain things or whatever…

First of all he judges him for his decision of being with me. I mean this girl doesn’t know anything about me or about what really happened in his relationship with his ex for that matter. He got mad at her naturally and she apologized saying that she is “blunt” like that. First of all in order to be “blunt” about a certain subject you have to know what you are talking about. If you do not know the details to a certain situation then you should just keep your fucking comments to yourself. She defended his ex as if she knew exactly how everything happened and what they were both feeling.

What do I think about all this? I think that in some weird way she still wants Michael to be with his ex. Not because she likes his ex but because he was miserable with his ex and that in a way made them closer as friends. Now that I exist and he is happy, he naturally doesn’t put that much time in their friendship and that bothers her. How do I know all this? Well I’m a girl. We have this fucking selfish nature.

Anyways- not only would Michael put more time into their friendship, but in a way that would give her hopes of one day having something with him. This dreamy chance of sleeping with him or actually having a relationship with him is now dead. Those chances are dead because he met me, and that’s what’s bothering her.

In other words… SHE IS JEALOUS!

I hate the fact that people judge our relationship based on nothing really. Just the fact that they “think” that they know certain things when they really don’t.

She told him something about her being in a similar situation that his ex is in. The thing is that she doesn’t fully understand the situation his ex is in, so how can she make that observation. She is just full of shit and trying to make him feel guilty about something that he is totally right about.

I hate girls like that…I really do.

I thank god so much for giving me the gift of reading people and actually being able to know their intentions- specially when they are bad ones. Sometimes is not so great, but in situations like this it’s a good thing.

I am able to read between any lines. Oh well… I guess that other people can too, but anyhow…

This is all for now.

Status: BLAH!

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Life is just… Tuesday, Mar 4 2008

…one damn thing after another.

OK so it is exactly 5:16am. I’m here thinking about all the things that have happened in my life and how everything seems to be changing in me. My life is taking a whole different route than the one that I had planned. I used to be able to see me 10 years from now and now I can’t even see me months from now. Everything is just different.

Is it better? Well some aspects are. I found Michael and I love him. He makes everything seem alright even though sometimes everything is wrong.

My current status: stressed/sad/angry/I don’t know.

Sad because of silly things that happen to me. Well today or I should say yesterday after work I took a nap with Michael. On the phone that is lol. Well the thing is that he woke up before me and he missed me so he woke me up. I’m glad that he did so but the problem is that once I wake up from a nap that could have lasted all night, I can’t go back to sleep. Everything was great- we talked laughed… whatever. Then he gets sleepy and falls asleep. Here I am now with no Michael and not one drop of sleepiness. (is sleepiness a word? Oh well now it is)

This is not really what bothers me because it’s silly. What bothered me is that I asked him very sweetly if he could stay up with me (being that he doesn’t have to work tomorrow and stuff). He said “I have to get my sleep”. I was really surprised at this and of course got really angry.

First of all, what is that supposed to mean?! I believe that I also have to get my sleep and I really do not mind staying up for him at all.

The worst part is that when I decided that I shouldn’t be mad about this and the best to do was to just hang up and call it the night, he literally throws in my face the fact that when I fall asleep he stays with me and that I should probably consider doing the same thing for him. The thing is that I have stayed with him far more times than what he has. He always falls asleep on the phone, I don’t do it as much. But I guess he doesn’t take that in consideration.

Then at some point of the conversation he gets an attitude with me and makes it seem like I don’t have a reason whatsoever to be mad. Maybe I didn’t have a reason to act like that but I can’t be angry and reasonable at the same time. ARRRGH! Pissed me the fuck off…

This is all good and great because next time I am tired and we are talking I will all of a sudden “NEED MY FUCKING SLEEP” to see what treatment I get out of it.

You know if he was going to work… that’s fine. He has a day off tomorrow though.

Am I really supposed to not feel bad about how he acted? I think I am and I do. But whatever… shit happens… MOSTLY TO ME.

Why am I stressed? Well this is going to be a LONG week for me. I can’t wait to go home though so I guess everything is going to be fine. I really need this break to take care of some things in my house. Once I get back, everything is going to be worse. I’m going to work more hours and this is going to stress me a little more.

 Oh well this is how life is I guess… SO TIRING!

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Mimi sings it right… Monday, Mar 3 2008

So right know im listening to Mariah Carey’s ‘ex-girlfiend’…  LOL… reminds me of someone I actually met last night.

(Chorus:)
Ex-girlfriend, you can’t have him
It’s about time that you found you a new man
He’s moved on, don’t you know, don’t you know
You gotta let him go, let him go, let him go
Ex-girlfriend, you don’t listen
Stop trying; he’s not gonna give in
He’s not yours anymore, don’t you know, don’t you know
You gotta let him go, let him go, let him go

Hey, ex-girlfriend, it’s too bad when you had him
Y’all thing didn’t work
But he’s all mine now, so stop pursuing him
Before you get your feelings hurt
See, our love is hot, and no it won’t stop
‘Cause I got him on lock
And although he rejects you, it don’t seem to affect you
‘Cause you just keep tryin’ to get wit’ him

So don’t, don’t keep, keep calling
Hanging up the phone
When I answer
I know it tears you up inside
And why do you sit in silence
On the other end
‘Til I hang up
And you predictably call right back again

(Repeat chorus)

Hey, ex-girlfriend, whatever your name is
I’m really not amused
‘Cause the things you do are very offensive
And sometimes straight-up rude
All those late-night calls and notes on his car
Won’t get you anywhere
You can call his mom as much as you want
And he won’t really care
(^^^ LMAOOOOOOOOO^^^)
So don’t, don’t keep, keep calling
Hanging up the phone
When I answer
I know it tears you up inside
And why do you sit in silence
On the other end
‘Til I hang up
And you predictably call right back again

(Repeat chorus)

(Bridge:)
I understand
Why you want him back
But don’t you know
Our love’s too strong
For you to penetrate
It’s too late
He’s not your baby no more

_________________________________________

So I met Michael’s ex last night. OH MY GOD! she is some chick- lol. Seriously- the more I know about her, the more it amazes me how Michael wasted so many years on this girl. Mimi’s song basically describes her.

Today I woke up relieved and feeling GREAT. Meeting her melted all my insecurities away- not only because she is not half the woman I am, but because she is not even half a woman at all. She is sooooo immature  and so PATHETIC.

I was thinking about it this morning and I came to the conclusion that I wont be insecure about her anymore. I realized last night while talking to her that if he ever decides to get back with her, it’s because HE is stupid. If he turns out to be stupid, then I would just let him go. Of course that would never happen…

Status:    ”Surprised”   – meet your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend and you will instantly realize why he loves you…

I realized why he loves me…

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