Thoughts are… Wednesday, Apr 9 2008 

Me and Michael and frustrated and tired pearlsandroses 5:36 pm

… the shadows of our feelings- always darker, emptier, and simpler.

_________

I finally have a break and I tried calling my boyfriend. It was a really big MISTAKE.

Word was a little hard today. I feel very tired and I can’t wait to get home and take a long warm shower and sleep. I intended to do other things, but seriously I feel blah.

Don’t you hate it when you are having a really bad day at work or whatever and you call your boyfriend just to hear his voice and he doesn’t sound as happy to hear you? Yes. I hate it too.

So I call him and he picks up…

He said: “hey…” (very lame and blah toned)

Of course I was confused because he NEVER greets me like that.

I said: “hey?! What am I one of your buddies?”

He tried to laugh… gave me a lame ass level 1 laugh.

He goes: “yeah… you one of my best buddies. Remember?” (I found this very strange…)

I’m thinking: NO ASSHOLE… Last time I checked you were my boyfriend.

So then I questioned him on why he was acting in such a way. Then he told me…

“I’m with my family in (blank place)”… I didn’t even hear him correctly.

So I’m thinking… “This is not what I was asking you. Is that supposed to be an excuse or something?”

OK so he was with his family…SO?! What the hell does that mean?

Then he called me stupid- Supposedly it was an “expression”.

Of course I didn’t express my thoughts. At that point I was done with it so my first instinct was to find and excuse to hang up.

Based on this small amount of words, you are probably thinking that I am overreacting. The thing is that he is the sweetest thing after sugar and he is never like that. Plus, I am having a not so great day so I expected some sweet I love you’s. If I didn’t know him or if he had not proven otherwise I would have thought that he was acting like that because he was around his family. The truth is that he has always given me my place and has never given me any reason to think that way. So that’s not the case… in case you guys are thinking that way.

After that he logged on to AIM and started acting like always. He had the “oh you are overreacting” attitude. I hate that! Specially cause he always disregards that I have feelings. Whatever… I’m seriously getting in that ‘FUCK IT’ mode with Michael. The truth is that shit like this gets old and they end up meaning nothing. This is the problem; the moment you stop caring about little things like this, you realize that it’s the same as not caring about anything he does. I mean… if you don’t care about the bad things he does, how can you care about the good things?

Oh well… welcome to my life.

Status: blah…

 

To jealousy… Wednesday, Apr 9 2008 

Me and My best friend and jealousy pearlsandroses 2:54 pm

… nothing is more frightful than laughter.

__________

So I was googling and I came across a website about relationships. In this website people tell their situation and ask for advice for certain problems that they are currently facing. There was one girl that really caught my attention because her problem was about her boyfriend and her best friend hanging out together. This is what she wrote:

“I have been going out with this guy for one month. My best friend and him are now always around each other, but I am not usually there. They consider themselves good friends, but it bothers me. They always seem to forget me and they just hang out together. They say they are not attracted to each other, but something tells me otherwise. I know this just may be jealousy, but it really bothers me that it is just them two always together when I am not there. I know something may be going on between them. Please give me some advice”

Lately Michael and I have been talking about my best friend a lot. I guess that he has realized that my best friend and I do have a really strong bond. He has realized that we care a lot about each other.

The other day we were talking about his best friend and my best friend, and I guess we were just testing the lines that each one of us would draw when it comes to the relationship we would establish with them. It was a very healthy conversation, and I really liked being able to express some concerns about this subject. He asked me if I would be jealous about him having a relationship with my best friend. Naturally I said no because I genuinely trust my boy friend, but most of all, my best friend. She has never given me a reason to doubt her in this matter.

However, after reading that girl’s feelings I stated to really think it over. To what extent would I be able to accept that my man and my best friend are close?

I’m not sure. I actually mean it.

The thing is that it is very easy for me to say that I trust them both but… is it really all about trust? Not really. I think that it is more about wanting no one to take the attention of the person you love away from you. It’s about hating the idea of seeing your man laughing with another girl or touching her; the idea of his mind drifting away from you. Considering that my best friend is a very funny girl, there might come a time when their relationship will bother me.

I don’t think that Michael is the type of guy that would hang out with my best friend without me being around. Even so, I’m SURE that my best friend would never have this kind of relationship with him. The closest she would get to do something like that would be to organize some surprise party for me. :)

Status: uhh just kinda tired… :(