Oh God its been so long… where do I start?
These have been a rough couple of months. I have so many things in my mind and they seem to be stressing me so much. I ussually write all my feelings down, but I have been unable to put my thoughts in order. So everything might be all over the place on this blog.
I decided to take a semester off college. Although this might not have been the best decision (at least this is what everyone tells me), I really need it. I need some time off because I feel like I am going to go crazy.
I have been having some problems with my family about things that I really do not want to write about. It’s a long story.
My boyfriend supports me, but sometimes he adds to my emotional “downs”. I don’t think he is ready for a woman like me. He is a sweetheart, and I’m sure he loves me because he shows it everyday- but he can be a total immature jerk sometimes. I guess nobody is perfect, but he can mess up a great week in about two minutes- all because he doesn’t know how to say sorry, and he certainly cannot deal with my mood swings. He solves everything with hanging up the phone. This is one of my pet peeves and it makes me really fucking angry.
Sometimes I don’t think he loves me at all. Just like he shows me he loves me- he has the ability of showing that he doesnt give a shit. Last night I was in the hospital for two hours, due to a respiratory condition I have- and he didn’t even care at all. I didn’t call him but I had my tell him about what was going on. He was relaxed and didn’t even believe her. It happened after an argument we had, so I guess he thought i was overreacting. However, if it was the other way around I would worry to death. This is when I question his feelings for me. The funny part is that he always talks about how he loves more than I do… YEAH OKAY!
I don’t think we will make it. It’s sad because we have great potential…. but pride and love are not a good combination. Anything can happen to me and he wont care until I apologize if he thinks I should. Thats not love… that’s him being like every other guy. Those that want to have the power in the relationship. I thought he was different… but nah! some are more lovely than others.. but in the end they are ALL THE SAME.
He also hurts my pride alot. Sometimes even on purpose without him even knowing it. He steps on dangerous grounds a little too often; probably because he knows I love him alot and he is able to get away with many things. He is forgeting that EVERYTHING comes to an end…and I’ve reached my limit. I’m already getting tired of some of his bullshit. I love him alot and I know I shouldn’t be talking like this… but once you start becoming one of those clingy-needy-insecure women you hate, or hating yourself because you are not as proud as he is (clearly because you love him alot more) -you start wondering if you are in a healthy relationship. I REFUSE to become one of those… even if we have to end this. It hurts alot more when you feel like the person you love causes all this and really dosn’t give a fuck… but oh well- SHIT HAPPENS!
If things continue this way, we wont make it.
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Back to the college thing….
I’m going to take this time off. I’ll work or just sleep in and do nothing. I am just going to think and put my life in order.
I really hope I don’t regret this.
Thats all for now… have a great day everyone!!!
