By staying up late to fold clothes; I have not learned to love myself
By washing my hands every night; I have not cleansed my soul
By making list for the future; I have not made myself secure
By organizing everything I have; I have not made peace with myself
By obsessing over every small detail; I have not reached happiness
I find that my happiness, security, and peace does not lie within the rituals of an obsessive compulsive. Even though it works for some people.
I am not my father.
I am not my mother.
I think I need to get this through my head. Their failed love story is not my own. Their torn apart dreams are not my own.
Lately I have found myself to be damaging and untrue to some people around me. My best friend mostly.
I have hurt some people that I would rather have not. I have already said I am sorry but sometimes an apology isnt enough and I wish there was something else I could do to make up for what I did to them.
But I have found the best remedy for my hurt, and that is silence. The silence within me to accept that I did wrong and that I can’t change that. The silence to not explain myself and to not make excuses anymore.
I am not perfect.
I am not perfect!!!
I AM NOT PERFECT!!!!!
I am also not my father or my mother. (didn’t I mention this already?)
I think, I believe, I feel.
I make choices based on my instincs but I dont risk alot. I chase a card all the way to the river in AOL poker, just because I know it’s fake money. I am a turbulent mess of thoughts and emotions. I am insecure, and very immature at times. I worry too much, and I am very selfish. I like to go about as if no one can offer what I think I can offer. I talk too much, because I frankly dont know when to shut up about certain things.
At best I would like to think myself young, and silly.
At worst I am terrifying to myself and quite unstable.
But at heart I would like to believe that I really try. That I have these dreams that will come true and make me happier, that I can make a difference somewhere in the world, and that perhaps I have been a great friend… to my real friends…
… and a good daughter.
… and a good sister.
… and a good girlfriend.
I feel that in admitting the mistakes that I’ve made lately, I can become stronger. I can also do things right and never hurt those I love.
If I can embrace every single thing about me, the good and the bad, I can understand myself better
and learn to be that better person. I want to make peace with myself and all my demons. I want to be happy with who I am. I want to heal myself from all my self-inflicted injuries. I want to understand that there is a reason why I’m always making mistakes and hurting.
but mostly…
I want to stop blaming myself for EVERYTHING that happens to those around me.
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I apologize if you can’t understand what I just wrote.
