I’m tired. I feel so bad.. so useless.. so disrespected and unappreciated.

I did everythign I could..

I do everything he wants.. everything he asks.. but he still doesn’t respect me.. he never will.

I can’t take this abuse anymore… I’m gonna let it go.. let him go..

I am a woman and no man will ever put me down.. even if I love him with all my heart..

I am a woman…

I am a fucking woman… I deserve respect…

By staying up late to fold clothes; I have not learned to love myself
By washing my hands every night; I have not cleansed my soul
By making list for the future; I have not made myself secure
By organizing everything I have; I have not made peace with myself
By obsessing over every small detail; I have not reached happiness

I find that my happiness, security, and peace does not lie within the rituals of an obsessive compulsive. Even though it works for some people.

I am not my father.
I am not my mother.

I think I need to get this through my head. Their failed love story is not my own. Their torn apart dreams are not my own.

Lately I have found myself to be damaging and untrue to some people around me. My best friend mostly.

I have hurt some people that I would rather have not. I have already said I am sorry but sometimes an apology isnt enough and I wish there was something else I could do to make up for what I did to them.

But I have found the best remedy for my hurt, and that is silence. The silence within me to accept that I did wrong and that I can’t change that. The silence to not explain myself and to not make excuses anymore.

I am not perfect.

I am not perfect!!!

I AM NOT PERFECT!!!!!

I am also not my father or my mother. (didn’t I mention this already?)

I think, I believe, I feel.

I make choices based on my instincs but I dont risk alot. I chase a card all the way to the river in AOL poker, just because I know it’s fake money. I am a turbulent mess of thoughts and emotions. I am insecure, and very immature at times. I worry too much, and I am very selfish. I like to go about as if no one can offer what I think I can offer. I talk too much, because I frankly dont know when to shut up about certain things.

At best I would like to think myself young, and silly.
At worst I am terrifying to myself and quite unstable.

But at heart I would like to believe that I really try. That I have these dreams that will come true and make me happier, that I can make a difference somewhere in the world, and that perhaps I have been a great friend… to my real friends…

… and a good daughter.
… and a good sister.
… and a good girlfriend.

I feel that in admitting the mistakes that I’ve made lately, I can become stronger. I can also do things right and never hurt those I love.

If I can embrace every single thing about me, the good and the bad, I can understand myself better
and learn to be that better person. I want to make peace with myself and all my demons. I want to be happy with who I am. I want to heal myself from all my self-inflicted injuries. I want to understand that there is a reason why I’m always making mistakes and hurting.

but mostly…

I want to stop blaming myself for EVERYTHING that happens to those around me.

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I apologize if you can’t understand what I just wrote.

All of a sudden I have got a million thoughts in my head about life or rather relationships. I think I’m drinking way too much tea. I’m sorry if my thoughts are all over the place but I won’t even bother to try to put them in order. I’m just going to write.

Beware of randomness…

Remember that quote that said “…love like you have never been hurt”.
I remember reading that and thinking to myself  “that is such a beautiful quote”. Now I’m thinking that the person who said that didn’t have a single clue what they were talking about.

I have listened to my little sister talking about boys and relationships. She is very young (a teenager), and even though I shouldn’t, I laugh at her “relationship problems”.

I mean who hasn’t looked at all these cute VERY young couples walking around, simply gushing and smiling, talking about ” I love him sooo much”- and just wanted to tap them on the shoulder and be like “yo homegirl, that’s cute and all, but no relationship your age ever lasts, so don’t bring out the wedding planner yet”.

You can say I’m just a hater (I’m such a New Yorker…lol), but then I realize that if I knew then what I know now, I probably would have never given my heart away the way I did. I would have guarded it with a sword. I would have never returned calls and I would have cut many nights short. However, you know what they say; the sweet is never as sweet without the bitter.

…and Michael is sure making me fat.

I think back to all the nights I spent holding my pillow swallowing my tears, because a “relationship” wasn’t going the way I wanted it too… probably because I had built up way to many expectations and had traveled too far in time with a ticket that had yet to be paid in full. I think of all the times I had to return everything that didn’t belong to me, and all the hearts I never fully occupied. I think of all the names, all the guys [there haven't been that many though], and I ask myself.. was all the trouble I went through really worth it?

I went through  the pain, the tears, the angry confusing moments in which i had to ask ‘why me? why doesn’t this work, why???’
Now I know that the pain fades and the only think that remains is the bittersweet moments, and wayyy too many lessons learned!

If there is one thing that heartbreak teaches you though,is the value of friends. The friends who held us when we cried, who consoled us and made us laugh  when otherwise we wouldn’t even crack a smile. The friends who watched us get our hearts broken, and knew that we wouldn’t listen to caution because love knows no reason. I can’t tell you how many times my friends told me, “hey babe, listen I don’t think he [my ex] is the guy for you”. They were seeing something I had yet to see, and I never listened. Love knows no reason!

My friends just threw their hands in the air and allowed me to enjoy the ride, knowing I might have to throw up afterwards…

Maybe that’s also the hidden joy of love; That rollercoaster that we get so excited to go on, not knowing whether its going to be good or bad. We just hope that its great, and sometimes we forget that we are not alone in the ride; that there are people next to us and behind us, hoping that everything goes well. If not, then we get off together and move on to the next.

The love of friends is equally as important as the love in a relationship. How else would we make it through everything without the beings that inhabit our hearts? the few people we love and that would try their hardest to never break our hearts…

Young teenagers shouldn’t stress over not finding “the one”, because the sooner they find it, the less prepared they will be to actually make the relationship last.

Never in my life have I felt so strong a need, a desire, to vote in the presidential election (or in any election, for that matter). I read several blogs and I want to sum up my opinion here.

We need someone in the White House who is experienced, knowledgeable, and intelligent. I don’t think there’s an American anywhere who will deny that is a fact. So why then, is there such a concern over the upcoming election, particularly with the Republican candidates? Because McCain is so old, (72), there is a very real possibility that he will die sometime in office. And who will take his place after that, if he, hypothetically, were to pass away? His Vice President, running mate, Sarah Palin. While I could write a book on why the idea of having her in the White House is a disastrous thought, I’ll just refer to what I said in the beginning of this paragraph: “WE NEED SOMEONE IN THE WHITE HOUSE WHO IS EXPERIENCED, KNOWLEDGEABLE, AND INTELLIGENT.” I am of course not saying that Sarah Palin is unintelligent (though I think of her whole acceptance to be the VP and most of, if not all of, her views as being quite stupid), but she is certainly not as experienced or knowledgeable as Obama.

I don’t want someone in the White House who opposes gun control, the idea of global warming and helping the environment, and who supports abstinence-only sex education in schools. I don’t want it! I can’t imagine anyone who would.

So that’s why, if you’re an Obama supporter or know someone who is, tell them, encourage them, to VOTE 2008!!!!!!!!! We can be heard and we can stand up for women’s rights and, not only that, but what is right for all humans. I never cared enough to vote in the past, but now it’s my well-being on the line, and everyone else’s. The outcomes of the 2008 Election Day will truly be frightening and the impacts on our lives as Americans will be disastrous if we don’t do something to stop this absurdity.

I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.

DH Lawrence

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This is one of my favorite poems.

The first time I heard it was in the movie GI Jane (which I saw today …again) but I was too young to actually listen to its meaning and appreciate it. After growing up and learning to appreciate these things, I read many poems by DH Lawrence. I also read two full biographies.

In this poem, Lawrence talks about how human beings have the greatest ability of self pity. Perhaps even more than most animals. Animals live each moment, unlike humans who are constantly thinking about the past and stress about the future. DH Lawrence himself was ill most of his life and he never felt sorry for himself. The only thing he feared was not being able to work, and this is exactly what kept him alive. He was close to dying many times- finally he died of TB. He hated the thought of self-pity.

I like how he mentions wild things in the first verse, then in the second verse he reaches out to something so vulnerable- a small bird.

Some people believe that the human is the only creature aware of its own mortality. The feeling of regret- regret over things we have done and the things that we didn’t do, is what fills us with anguish ans self pity sometimes. I think Lawrence liked and envied the fact that little birds lack these feelings.

Great poem…. it’s funny how this short poem can hold so much meaning.

Oh God its been so long… where do I start?

These have been a rough couple of months. I have so many things in my mind and they seem to be stressing me so much. I ussually write all my feelings down, but I have been unable to put my thoughts in order. So everything might be all over the place on this blog.

I decided to take a semester off college. Although this might not have been the best decision  (at least this is what everyone tells me), I really need it. I need some time off because I feel like I am going to go crazy.

I have been having some problems with my family about things that I really do not want to write about. It’s a long story.

My boyfriend supports me, but sometimes he adds to my emotional “downs”. I don’t think he is ready for a woman like me. He is a sweetheart, and I’m sure he loves me because he shows it everyday- but he can be a  total immature jerk sometimes. I guess nobody is perfect, but he can mess up a great week in about two minutes- all because he doesn’t know how to say sorry, and he certainly cannot deal with my mood swings. He solves everything with hanging up the phone. This is one of my pet peeves and it makes me really fucking angry.

Sometimes I don’t think he loves me at all. Just like he shows me he loves me- he has the ability of showing that he doesnt give a shit. Last night I was in the hospital for two hours, due to a respiratory condition I have- and he didn’t even care at all. I didn’t call him but I had my tell him about what was going on. He was relaxed and didn’t even believe her. It happened after an argument we had, so I guess he thought i was overreacting. However, if it was the other way around I would worry to death. This is when I question his feelings for me. The funny part is that he always talks about how he loves more than I do… YEAH OKAY!

I don’t think we will make it. It’s sad because we have great potential…. but pride and love are not a good combination. Anything can happen to me and he wont care until I apologize if he thinks I should. Thats not love… that’s him being like every other guy. Those that want to have the power in the relationship. I thought he was different… but nah! some are more lovely than others.. but in the end they are ALL THE SAME.

He also hurts my pride alot. Sometimes even on purpose without him even knowing it. He steps on dangerous grounds a little too often; probably because he knows I love him alot and he is able to get away with many things. He is forgeting that EVERYTHING comes to an end…and I’ve reached my limit. I’m already getting tired of some of his bullshit. I love him alot and I know I shouldn’t be talking like this… but once you start becoming one of those clingy-needy-insecure women you hate, or hating yourself because you are not as proud as he is (clearly because you love him alot more) -you start wondering if you are in a healthy relationship. I REFUSE to become one of those… even if we have to end this. It hurts alot more when you feel like the person you love causes all this and really dosn’t give a fuck… but oh well- SHIT HAPPENS!

If things continue this way, we wont make it.
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Back to the college thing….

I’m going to take this time off. I’ll work or just sleep in and do nothing. I am just going to think and put my life in order.

I really hope I don’t regret this.

Thats all for now… have a great day everyone!!!

When you are in a relationship with someone, your whole life changes. You find yourself not caring about the things that used to matter to you… at least some things. Some girls party a lot and are so called “social butterflies” until the day they fall in love. After they do so, they change completely. They leave all the parties behind, they have less time for their friends, and they put most of their energy on their new found love.

I guess that’s the way it should be in a way but…. how much should a woman change for her man?

I’ve seen many kinds of relationships filled with love, even though I can’t understand certain things. There is one specific one I’m thinking about right now, in which the girl couldn’t really go anywhere without having her man question every single detail of where she was going.

Where is it at? Who is going to be there? How will you get there? What will you be wearing? Where did you meet whoever you are going to be with?

and the most “important” one… will there be any other men?

I believe these controlling realtionships aren’t healthy at all. Your partner will feel asphyxiated and without space, which can create many problems.

On the other hand, there are relationships with “extra freedom”, which confuses me sometimes. I’ve seen relationships in which one partner is close friends with his/her ex, in such a way that it makes me believe that they are having a relationship with the wrong person.

I mean… come on! close friends with your ex?

I understand its all about trust, but I believe that this can cause many unnecessary problems. Women tend to feel very insecure when their boyfriend is friends with a person that knows exactly what he is like in every single aspect. She might even know him better than the actual girlfriend.

I guess people have different opinions on this matter, but the question is… How much should you give up for the person you love? Should a person accept everything about you because that is simply who you are? or can they be able to change some things in the name of love?

I like simple relationships.. I do. I like relationshipts that offer me estability, reassurance, and respect.

I like FAIR relationships; not relationships in which everything is “one way”.

The relationship with Michael is not that one.

I’ve come to realize that fighting for him is useless. He finds a way of breaking down every single barrier that I build for him. He does it on purpose every time.
99% percent of our problems are other women. He is one of those men that have a million women trying to fuck him and I’m ussually very good in keeping them away, but every time I close one door, he opens three more for them. I can’t live like this. I can’t live being afraid that I might lose him to someone else. Especially if he doesn’t do absolutely anything to put them in their place.

I’m talking about women that have lied to break us up. Women that have told very serious lies, that can actually end twhat we have. He lets them do all that. He likes it.

Sorry… I’m not up for that.

I’m a beautiful, smart, funny, and FUCKING AMAZING girl who can find any guy she wants. A guy that would always give me my place and let every other woman know that I am number one.

That being said… it’s really over.

If he has a problem saying “no”, I have a problem saying “yes”. Therefore, I guess we are not meant to be.

He gets away with alot of shit, which is why he doesn’t take it serious when I tell him ” it’s over”. Well.. its really is over.

I love him… I love him more than anything in this world. I just can’t fight against an army by myself… and I wont. I have a lot of problems that are far more important then worrying about the fact that he fails to give me my place. I guess he is weak and I happen to like strong men.

Sad endings are the worst… especially when its something beautiful that ends because of something so simple.

But… I’m a woman… and a woman finds her place when her man doesn’t want to give it to her. I’ll find mine eventually.

I recently discovered a great blog.

Audaciousaria.wordpress.com

I like her writing alot. I like it so much that when I discovered it, I read every single blog in exactly one day. She is woman who has gone through alot of shit in her life, and I have come to admire her courage and strength.

She recently wrote a post that I think all of us (bloggers) can relate to. Apparently some people left stupid comments on her blog and she got sick of it, so she wrote the following:

What the fuck is up the past few days with some people & their comments. Not everyone, but fuck, there’s been a good few who’ve left me pissed the fuck off, so much so I haven’t even published some of them. All the nit picking & the nosing on in like it’s a free for all. Yes, it’s a blog that’s out there for the world & their dog to read but shit me a coconut, y’all don’t like what you’re reading – Fuck off.

Now fuck off

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I don’t have many readers, at least not many of them actually comment, but I have received some nasty comments that i really don’t appreciate.

I want  all of  you to know that I write this blog FOR ME. I don’t care what anyone thinks about ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY anything i write here. I don’t know you, therefore, I don’t give a fuck about what you think about what/how I write.

The funny thing is that some people have something stupid to say about my blog, but they keep coming for some FUCKING STRANGE REASON.

Like she said… FUCK OFF! Don’t come here if you don’t like the content.

Keep in mind that everyone is different, and that’s why they have different beliefs and ideas. Just because i don’t believe in the things that you do, doesn’t mean that I’m wrong. It simply means that I am DIFFERENT.