thoughts 4:15 pm
I hate herrrrr…
why cant she just leave him the fuck alone? Can’t she understand that he loves me? Can’t she understand that what they HAD is GONE?!?!
Fuck!!!!!
He loves me!!! ONLY ME!!!
I’m scared.
What if he realizes that he dioesn’t really love me like he says he does?
What if he leaves me for her?!
I hate this feeling…
I have to continue my blog… i feel like I’m going CRAZY! This is addictive…
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Uncategorized 8:47 pm
I just want to say thank you to the people who read this blog. I really appreciate the comments and I’ll miss this definitely…
Goodbye to you all!!!!!! 
Life and Me and Michael and tired 8:46 pm
I’m a very self-sufficient young woman. I like doing things on my own because I find a certain satisfaction in looking at the things that I have and being able to say “I got that on my own” “I did that on my own”.. etc
Recently this has changed due to the fact that Michael has been there taking some of the weight of my problems on his shoulders… I think this was a huge mistake.
Although it is kind of late to take back some of the things that he has done for me, I feel like he is gett ing sick of it. I like to have things done fast and because in reality they are not his problems , I have to pressure him somehow otherwise nothing would get done. That is just how he is… calm and impulsive at the same time. Bad combination.
Last night my senses weren’t working very well and most of the things are blurry and I can’t remember certain things. Usually when I am drunk like that I tend to write down things that I would want to remember in the morning. I read everything I wrote last night and some things shocked me. Michael was treating me in a weird “annoyed” way. The things is that every time I asked him he would say ” I have a lot on my mind” like always. He is never open with me- I hate that. If I keep asking him he gets annoyed and irritated but if I don’t want to talk about something.. HE TAKES IT TO THE ENDDD!
I’m tired of it!
Which is why this WILL BE my last blog.. I MEAN THAT but lets get to that later.
He can never tell me what he is thinking but I have to get out my way to tell him how I am feeling or what I am thinking… not fair at all.
He said he would change…. but psss! same asshole- different day. It doesn’t matter…. I’m not even nostalgic about closing the blog anymore. I couldn’t care less… you just get to that point in life when u just tired of all the bullshit surrounding you…
I’m at that point… my spirit is already screaming..
——— ———- ——— -
So then (after fucking 30 minutes of begging) he tells me that what is on his mind is one of the problems that he wants to solve for me because “he is tired of hearing it from me”.
Yes I know.. what is that supposed to mean? Then of course he realized what he said and tried to fix it.. but I’m too smart for that so obviously it didn’t work. I was not me last night so I guess I didn’t make a big deal… but now I feel like shit. I feel like I made the same mistake that I have made before. I should have trusted my instincts.
Why is this my last blog? Because I say everything here. I take everything out on this blog and he never has to ask me whats on my mind because there isn’t anything… I tell him EVERYTHING. He can’t do the same with me… so I’ll just keep my feelings inside too. I want to see where it would take us….
Life and Michael and frustrated and tired 11:32 pm
There is absolutely nothing worse then relying on other people to solve YOUR problems. It is very easy for them to say “I understand what you are going through- let me help you” but when the moment comes, they don’t really put the effort you would put in doing certain things.
Please… PLEASE… if you know that you can’t help someone because you need to take your mom to the hospital, you need to visit your dad, or do a million other things that have nothing to do with trying to solve the problem you OFFERED YOURSELF TO SOLVE… then please DO NOT FUCKING DO IT!
The best way to keep one’s word IS NOT TO GIVE IT!!!
Sometimes people put their trust on you… they put their problems in your hands and they expect you to TRULY TRY.
Define: truly try
Truly trying is NOT supposedly going to solve someone else’s problems and ending up ONLY FUCKING SOLVING YOURS. Truly trying is putting your “problems” aside and FOCUSING ONLYYYYYYYYY on solving the one, that AGAIN, YOUUUUUUU offered to solve! Not doing one thousand things at a time.
oh I know what certain people would say.. “I’m only one person!”
Yes you are one fucking person, I understand that but that’s why “NORMAL” people have their priotities STRAIGHT! if its not important .. IT CAN WAITTTTTT!!!
specially if your problems are extremely FUCKING simple.
I have seen myself having many ways out to a problem but I fuck it all up because I trust a certain person.
I wanted to ask help from someone else, and that person called me and offered to help me… but I said “no.. its already being taken care of”…
being taken care of?.. yeah right!!.. Fucking stupid asshole wont even pick up my fucking calls!!
Now that’s fine.. because I was fucking born alone, but certain people need to be able to act like a MAN and take responsibilities for their actions.
Another thing is your word… YOUR WORD… what part of “your word is all you have” dont certain people understand? I find myself doubting every single word that comes out of some people’s mouth and I need reassurance OVER AND OVER, because this person always fucks it up. God! I swear on my life and my family I will never do this shit again. Next time I will get a fucking job!!!
I can’t rely on people that function by following their fucking impulses and not THINKING!.. they don’t think! Some people just don’t know how to fucking THINK!!!!!
It serves me right… because the lesson of this blog is one:
ONLY YOUUUUUU! KNOW THE THINGS THAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH.
People might feel sorry for you and offer their help, but when they try to solve your problems they don’t put their heart in it.. its just like a job, or a favor.
If it happens once.. it’s their fault. If it happens twice.. its YOUR fault!
…and by GODDD it wont happen again to me. I SWEAR!
The sad part is loving someone but at the same time knowing that if you life depended on them… you would probably DIEEEEE, because they prioritize and feel “pressure” from people that don’t even fucking careeee for them or matter!
But again…
SHIT ALWAYS FUCKING HAPPENS… not mostly but ALWAYS TO ME… IT NEVER STOPS!..
fuck it! I swear I want to die this fucking instant…
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P.S. Blogs come and go.. time passes by.. and I’m still fucking waiting!!
“baby I promise I’ll call you when I get there” <<< there is nothing sadder than broken promises… cause every promise you make after the one you broke…is just a lying sounds coming out of your fucking mouth.
But its not your fault, you know what they say; A promise is a comfort for a fool.
I guess I’m very FUCKING STUPIDDDDD!
Best Friend and Life and feelings and friendship and love 11:28 pm
When you think of your best friend, what do you think about most?
Sometimes when I am upset and sad I think of my best friend more than anyone… even more than Michael sometimes. She knows me better than anyone will ever know me… even more than my mother.
She is sooo damn funny lol.. we’ve had so many fun days together. Sometimes I think of those moments and I smile. I miss all those moments…
There was one specific experience I remember very well… it makes me want to cry…
One time I was driving and we were arguing about some stupid thing. We were driving from home to college and it was a quiet drive because we were both angry and crying. We had like 30 minutes of silence and I decided to turn on the radio… suddenly the song “River” by Joni Mitchell came on and I loveeeeeeee that song so I turned the volume up. She started singing first… and she started singing to me the part that goes; “I made my baby cryyy..”
It was so sweet… then we both started singing LOUDDD!
Specially the fly part…
“I would teach my feet to FLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY” lol we were laughing SOOO HARD! lol..
“I wish I had a river I could skate away on…”
Then she gave me a BIG KISSSSSS! (one of those that really hurt; where she grabs my face and burries her mouth in my cheek)… 
Great moments…
I miss her. I miss you sooooo much my baby BLUEEEEE.
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P.S. Can you fucking believe I’m still waiting… JESUS!
I hate 3:37 pm
- I hate having unsolved issues in my minds.
- I hate waiting.
- I hate when someone tells you they are going to call, bu they don’t.
- I hate depending on ANYONE for ANYTHING, because then you need them.
- I hate waiting.
- I hate being broke.
- I hate asking for favors.
- I hate waiting
- I hate borrowing money.
- I hate when people don’t pick up their calls.
- I hate waiting
- I hate having unpaid bills.
- I hate waiting
- I hate broken promises.
- I HATE WAITINGGGGGGGGG!!!!
Quote of the day: People count up the faults of those who keep them waiting …
________________________________________
I’m just a little stressed/FRUSTRATED and I had to write something because I’m waiting FOR SOMETHING and it is driving me NUTSSS!
wait… did I mention I HATE WAITING? oh yeah…
I hate it!!!!!!!!!
Life 2:16 am
I was talking to Michael about the things that would change if we were to live together. He always jokes around about how I would have to do whatever he wants because he is the man (yeah rigHT!). I started thinking about the things that are expected from women.
________________
I once had a friend who hated to scrub floors. She was married with one stepchild and a baby on the way and her floors were never, ever spotless. It drove her mother-in-law crazy.
One day the wicked mother-in-law could no longer keep her mouth shut. She took one look at my friend’s dirty floors, inhaled sharply, and blurted out, “If you don’t like to clean, you should never have gotten married.”
Comments like that make my head want to explode. Why do we perpetuate this notion that women were only put on this earth to do certain things? You don’t see much of that ideology among younger generations but among older generations, there are still people who were raised to believe women have our place. We are supposed to stay home and cook and clean and raise babies. And they believe women’s lib completely destroyed the family unit as we knew it.
They have a point. The divorce rate in this country has increased dramatically since women entered the workforce. But is it because women are not at home…or is it possibly because divorce is now more acceptable than it used to be?
These days, women go to college. We get MBAs and PhDs. We become doctors and lawyers and politicians. We run for presidential office. The sky is the limit. But what is all of this doing to the family unit?
And what about those women who want to be stay-at-home moms? Are they supposed to feel guilty about that choice? Because sometimes, no matter how ambitious you are, getting married and having a child changes you. You no longer care so much about taking on CEOs of Fortune 500 companies. All you want to do is spend the day with your little one.
My friend who hated to scrub floors simply didn’t do it. Her husband would do it for her. My mom has friends who mowed the yard every week while their husbands scrubbed toilets and did laundry and took care of the grocery shopping. Is that wrong? Is there some law that says there are “woman chores” and “man chores” and crossing those lines means you’ve violated some code of living?
I’ve actually been told by a Christian that Biblically, it is wrong for a woman to hold a position of leadership in a company. Especially if there are men below her. I believe the exact wording of the Bible verse goes something like this: “A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.”
OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!
I do have one friend who still believes this. She’s older than I. She will tell me adamantly that a woman is to follow and let her man lead. The Bible says so. We are to be silent and know our place.
And we are to be incredibly sexy while doing it.
Okay, that last part isn’t really Biblical. lol… (just something Michael would say..lol)
I guess my question is, does anyone really believe this crap anymore? If a woman goes to a job every day, supervises male employees, then comes home and mows her yard instead of doing dishes, does that mean she’s going to Hell?
Or is the man she’s married to going to Hell for letting her do it?
Exactly what is the sin here? A woman speaking up? Having a mind of her own? If God really wanted us to be quiet, why did he make us so smart? lol…
Just wondering…
Sad experiences 10:27 pm
This morning I had woke up after a good night of talking to my baby with surprisingly a clear head, rather tired, but nevertheless a clear head.
My mother began telling me about an estate sale- the belongings of a women who had recently passed around the corner from my house. She said to quickly get dressed and we would go take a peak, and that she had already been there and had gotten some good finds from the sale.
I was rather skeptical at first but as curiosity came knocking I opened the door… thats just me!
So I went to the estate sale with my mother and me being an “oh so senstive person”, I got an intense feeling of sadness as I walked into the house. I was looking at all the women’s belongings- her jewelry, purses, shoes, coats, paintings, cook ware, books, records, things she once used and loved… all set up for grabs. Rather sad I must say.
As a social person by nature, I soon found out that Josephine- the women who passed- loved to travel and had a strong passion for life…
I was thinking the whole day; life is funny you know.. you live so grandly to only end up in a cold earthly grave. You love someone so dearly but yet you also know that they won’t always be with you. That’s enough to make the tears flow fast…
To be honest I never fully got over the loss of some loved ones because I know in my heart things would be different if they were alive. However, I also know and have to believe that things do happen for a reason.. Don’t they?
Well I’d like to think so…
So back to the story, as I walked through the house I watched the family pack boxes giving them to a gentleman, maybe belonging to a charitable organization accepting these items as a donation.. well thats what it appeared to look like..
It’s amazing how we love material possessions so dearly only to realize that they don’t really matter. They’re only a temporary happiness during life… something that you just can’t take with you..
As a people observer, I am always looking into things with a deeper eye- almost studying everything I set my eyes on. I watched the family with their tired, drained pale faces hand over their loved one’s possessions. Something really tugged at my heart strings… the whole moment was heartbreaking I swear..
My mother finally said to me; “Pearls if you see something you like, you better buy it because it’s just going to be given away or thrown out… they don’t want to keep anything.” My guilt of buying a dead women’s belongings quickly vanished and my eye caught some Egyptian plates and a porcelain geisha. As I gave the woman’s daughter my money (which I couldn’t afford to spend because I’m sooo broke!) I watched her facial expression change. Her once pale face with tired gray eyes almost gleamed with a bit of relief and happiness that her mom’s things were going to a good home…
I told her I was sorry and I could see all the tears in her eyes… she was about to break down. I hugged her for a good two minutes. She smiled at me and gave me a beautiful doll her mom really liked… I was so touched.
When I got home, I gave my mom a big hug and told her that I love her. I have been down ever since and I can’t stop thinking about it. I have been thinking about my life a lot today after that experience. The things that seemed stressing and important a couple of hours ago (bills, etc..) don’t even seem important anymore.
I’m not sure what my reason for writing this entry is. I just wanted to share it with all of you maybe as a gentle reminder that life is precious and that we will all die someday. Therefore, we must live and take in all that life has to offer.
Life is a gift and should not be wasted on harboring anger or worrying about petty problems and things that will eventually work themselves out.Time heals all wounds, and this I do know for sure.
I kind wanted to ask u guys a couple of questions..
how do u have a good marriage?
I guess what that really means is – how do you NOT get divorced?
A while ago I was listening to This American Life (a weekly broadcast I used to listen to online)
I was listening to it and basically the show was about marriage. They were interviewing John Gottman, who is a really famous psychologist out of the University of Washington, and I ran into him in a book by Malcolm Gladwell called BLINK (which was a national best seller so I’m sure a lot of you have read it). In it they talk about this guy who with a 90 to 95% accuracy rate is able to predict whether or not a couple will stay together or get divorced.
That’s an astounding staggering figure! We never- or very rarely I should say- get 90 percent “anything” success rate…
So that makes me take note and say; ok what is it that this guy has figure out?
Basically what his team has done is they have followed couples for decades and watch which couples have made it and which ones divorced,
and he came up with the 4 signs of doom;
1- Criticism
2- Stonewalling
3- Defensiveness
4- contempt (the worst one)
He spent a lot of time talking about contempt on the program and he basically explained that contempt is when you put yourself above the other person; when you create this hierarchy in the relationship and you belittle them and undermine them. If one or both partners have contempt for the other, unless this is changed or solved, this is a sure sin that you will get divorced.
Even though I’m not married or engaged …YET! (he is gonna ask- he is going to ask, I know it), This is still an issue I think about, I read about, and I want to know about before I get engaged or get married. Many people wait until they are engaged or planning their wedding to start reading books, getting advice, and listening to people talk about marriage. Why not start long before that? and that is kind of where I am at- I want to have a healthy marriage and I want to be a good wife. So this matters to me.
My parents are a terrible example. I come from a family with divorce, multiple marriages, and fraud relationships. My sisters have broken that cycle. I have a sister that has been married for 14 years and my other sister has a long term relationship.
So.. if this guy is so accurate, makes me wonder how good am I predicting the duration of a relationship? Im really bad!
The best couple of examples are my two closest friends. I thought that their boyfriends were bad for them- they were bad for each other. However, they have survived all kinds of ups and downs.
I guess its really hard to tell
I remember I took this class Sociology ff the Family, and our professor told us that in the mid 1800’s the average marriage was 7 years…
i was SHOCKED!
I had been assuming that through history marriages lasted about 30 years and that this was a new trend; marriages breaking up. It is true that there is a new trend, that there is so much divorce, and that its so socially acceptable-particularly in the states. However, in those days marriages didn’t last very long because there was such a high chance that one of them would die, and it was really common for a woman to die during childbirth particularly. A man was able to marry several times. There was the problem with disease, and then on top of that some couples did divorce, which was relatively rare.
I guess marriage has always been very difficult…
